Feeling of Stupidity

I study and study and study.  Seems as if I do not study enough.  It can be so hard, but I can be so hard on myself.  Once again, we are on the 3rd test and yet again I did not pass.  It is finally time to drop the class and not worry about it anymore.  Government and History, one of my very difficult courses.  I seem to be passing my other classes but when it comes to these other 2 subjects.......I FAIL!!  EPIC FAIL!!!
It really is taking a toll on my confidence.  I want to just stop going to school.  Just work as a Technician...that might be all I am good at doing and that might be all I am worth. What am I doing wrong?  How am i supposed to study?  I have a child and I do not feel as if I have time to study as much as I should.  I don't have help from my significant other, or so I feel.  He complains that he is tired.  He has the audacity to say that he works a lot so he needs time to rest and time for himself.  I may not work as much anymore, but I cook, clean, take care of the baby, take care of him, just recently took up my bro and i also work 3 or 4 days a week.  Where is my time?  Lately I have just been feeling like I am being verbally attacked by him.  I just feel like he is saying, in his way, that I am stupid, lazy and not worth anything.  Then again I think I am just being sensitive.  I've never felt this bad in a long time.  The last time was with my mom.  Something is bothering me but I do not know what.  I feel so vulnerable.  I feel so...unwanted.  I feel so....STUPID.
I guess I am just taking on a lot.   I think I am just overwhelmed.  I think it is just plain old STRESS.  I guess I can just drop the class and take it again next semester.  I will be ready and know what to expect.  I guess... we shall see.

Motherly Love

This is my first blog, so I apologize if it does not make any sense at all.  I guess this is a good way for me to release some steam, vent or just get my thoughts together.  So here it goes.


A mother is defined as a woman who has given birth to a child.  I always thought that a mother was one who, first of all, given birth to a child and secondly, one who cares and loves the child unconditionally.  I never really understood how a mother could give life and then pawn the child on to someone else, whether that someone would be the mothers sister, parents or cousins.  How can a mother not fall in love with their unborn child?  How can a mother, after taking a glimpse of there child, just let them go?  I understand that sometimes when a parent, especially teenagers, have to give up their child because they cannot afford them.  Then again, if you know you can't afford a child, why in the world wouldn't you use protection or some other method?


I was one of those children.  My parents divorced when I was one or two.  I never really knew my father and as of right now I could care less.  I was never put up for adoption, but I was pawned off to family members. I know my Aunt more than I knew my own mother.  I felt abandoned and not wanted, especially when my brother was born.  My brother stayed with our mother, while I stayed 30 minutes away.  Sometimes I would not see my own mom for a week or two.  I never really understood why she left me where she did. 


I never learned anything from either my mom or aunt.  Well, maybe I learned a little from my Aunt.  I knew that no matter what I will always be last when it came to my Aunts family.  She had 3 sons, I was her adopted daughter (minus the paper works).  Of course when my cousins and I got into an argument, I would be the one to get into trouble.  When something happened to anything, I would get the eye and maybe even the punishment.  I thought since my Aunt never had a daughter she would treat me like one of hers, but I was wrong.  


When I was 19 I moved to the states and lived with the same Aunt.  I know, I know, I should have looked for my own place, but coming from a small Island and moving to a large state...yeah, it's a scary move.  I thought that living thousands of miles away from my mother would make us come closer, but that was not the case.  She called me every now and then just to argue with me.  One day my cousin and I got into an argument about the bills and groceries.  I did more than I should have.  Sometimes I think that they over charged me (and thats an understatement).  Well, as much as I took care of my Aunt, I would have thought she would finally back me up.  She didn't.  I walked into my room and started packing.  I didn't move out that day, but I started going out more until one day my Aunt got tired of it and told my friend "Why doesn't she just move in with you."  So...I did.  My mom never understood my part of the story, says it was all my fault.  She never really listened to my side.  That day I decided to let her go....never talk to her again.  A year and a half passed and I decided to call the house...but only because I missed my brother so much.  Thats when I started talking to her again.  One day she called me on my birthday (she didn't know it was my birthday, she never remembered it) and just started yelling at me.  No reason at all...just started giving me a lecture...oh boy!  Something you want to hear on your birthday.  YIPPEE!!!!  


My mom ended up with breast cancer about 2 or 3 years ago.  That's when she started TRYING to be nice. Saying "I Love You."  I couldn't believe it.  She moved to the Philippines to get treatment.  I tried to get her to move here so she can get the best care possible and of course to have her meet her new granddaughter, but she didn't.  I went to visit her in April.  She was very week and dying.  I thought things had finally changed.  She said "Where is my baby girl?  I want to see her."  I walked up to her and gave her a big hug.  Then it started.  She was like "What happened to your face...? Oh my god your so ugly."  Then when I would try to help her, I just got the attitude, yelling and the insults.  i didn't talk to her for the 9 days that I was there.  I missed my baby girl so much that I wanted to buy my ticket and spend extra just to get home and FAST!   Once again, I felt so abandoned and alone.  My brother finally noticed how she treated me.  And I felt so bad for him knowing, but finally someone understood.  Before I left I had a little chat with her, I guess you could say I was trying to get closure.  I told her how I felt, while of course she was watching TV.  I told her to look at me and listen.  She'd look at me and look right back.  After I told her how I felt, she just said "I'm sorry for treating you that way." And looked right back at the TV.  Never got the closure I needed or wanted.


She passed away 2 months ago.   I never really looked back especially after what happened.  I did feel bad, but what was I to do.  I never really felt loved by her, so I thought..what would the difference be.  A friend of mine told me that she had a dream of her father and now has the closure she needs.  A couple of days ago I had a dream of my mom.  I was talking to her like she was and has been around like she never passed.  Until I started thinking and I said, "Wait, aren't you dead...mom you passed away..what are you doing here?"  Then she said she did not have enough time and that she wanted to tell me she loved me.  Don't know...I don't know what to take from that.  I do believe in stuff like that, but... since this happened to me I do not know what to think about it now.  


I have a daughter of my own and I know how not to treat her.  I know what I need to do for my child.  I know how to be a good mother or try to be one.  No matter how my mom treated me, don't get me wrong, I still loved her...she was after all, my mother.