It has been a looong time since I have written on this blog so if I seem to jump from here to there, my bad. These are my thoughts and I just wanted to share and get it off my chest.
Change is defined as 'to give a completely different form or appearance; to transform.' I haven't been the same person for quite sometime now. I have changed into this person I do not even know anymore. I have become more secluded, or more to myself. I have become a negative and mean person. I sometimes wonder who I have become. I look in the mirror only to see a stranger. I hate the fact that I have become someone else. It has taken me such a long time to realize it. I nearly pushed away the friends who have been there for me. Nearly? Or have I already? I have never felt so alone, but yet I never realized that I wasn't. I have had my friends around helping me and never noticed it, until today.
I used to be this positive, spunky, fun and friendly person. I used to not give a damn about what people said about me. I used to be a fighter. I used to notice when a person was going through a tough time and would put MY feelings aside to help. I used to be a completely different person than I am today. I have had time to finally think about it, or I guess I finally made myself realize it. A little too late? Sometimes I do think so. Now the only thing I have to do is right the wrong I have done. Show people who I really am. It maybe too late, but at least I will try to salvage what I can out of this wrong doing.
Someone once told me "If this is the way your acting now while in this position, what makes you think you do not act this way all the time? You need to come to grips with who you are and accept it." That is the one things that kept nagging at me. I can't come to grips with it because that ... or this is not who I am. I have come to grasp the fact that I have changed for the worse, but I can change back. I can be the person I used to be. It does not happen over night, but it will come.
I tried to be the person I used to be today, and you know what? It felt great!!! A friend of mine notice the change, or has been noticing a change and actually likes it. That person wondered where I went for a while. Yes, I went to a bad place. It may not be as dark as other people have gone through, but for me it sure felt like it. I am a different person now. I realize what I have become. I realize that I have been this horrible person for a long time....but now, there is nowhere else to go but UP! I will show my friends that I do appreciate them, that they do mean the world to me, and that they are the closes thing that I have to family. I will show them that I am the person I used to be again. I will prove it to them...and most importantly I will prove it to myself.
I look at my little girl and all I want to do is show her how to be a fighter, but in the right way. I want to show her that you can be a friendly person, yet fight for what you believe in. This change is also for her. I do not want her to see her mom as a victim, but as a fighter. I want her to be strong, but yet be the person that people can come to when in need, just like I was.
To all my friends that have helped me through this, I am sorry that it took a long time for me to realize it. I am sorry for the attitude that I have given. I know it seemed like I wasn't there at times or that I focused on just my problems, but that will change. That has changed. I sure hope I'm not too late, but if I am I really do appreciate all the help. I will prove it to you. To my friends once again, THANK YOU! And to the one that has really helped me, THANK YOU! I wish there was more to give and do, but THANK YOU! If you are reading this, THANK YOU! I can't express it enough. I will try to with action and not just words and it may take time to show my appreciation, but THANK YOU!
It is getting really late, I need to finally get some kind of sleep. So, once again before I head to bed. THANK YOU! I really do appreciate what has been done and THANK YOU for making me realize that I can change and be the person I was. I LOVE YOU GUYS. You are the closes thing that I have to family and I am sorry it took this long to realize it.
